It started and ends with a list

I decided that for one of my upper division classes to take a Magazine Writing class. I was pretty excited to get into the habit of writing again and having someone critique my work. Little did I know how hard it would actually be.

These past few weeks we've been focusing on a personal essay and I have to say my colleagues and I have come up with some pretty interesting stories.

When it came for our first draft, I completely forgot about the assignment. I have a break between my classes and chose to print off a story from my blog. It seemed okay since it was a favorite experience and I didn't think she would linger long on the subject.

She liked the story but it just wasn't deep enough, not a story that would move someone. The example that she then gave me was about another student in my class who had saved an older woman from drowning and changed his life because of it. My thought was that not everyone has the opportunity or change to save someone's life. Even if we do save someone's life, we may not even know it because it may just be a simple act.

Then came the humiliating moment. She had us write down our top three of our highs in life, lows in life, and turning points in life to try to get everyone to think more deeply. I did this pretty quickly thinking that this would only stay in my notebook. The teacher then called on me and said, "What did you write?"

Gulp. I wasn't planning on sharing but participation points are a huge part of our grade and so I let it go.

Highs

mission

getting married

graduating high school-finishing the yearbook

Lows

miscarriage

getting sick in Pelotas (while on my mission)

failing my first year of college

Turning Points

going to Woods Cross

joining yearbook

going on a mission

miscarriage

The teacher proceeds to write these up on the board one by one and I can hear this huge gasp from everyone. I flinched but stayed strong only because Lexi was sitting next to me. She then proceeds to highlight which ideas she wants me to write about. She highlights two, mission and miscarriage, lingering over the miscarriage. I gulp again, knowing I don't even want to go there. I want and need an A in her class more than anything, I weigh my pros and cons to see if I can get out of it.

I thought about it for about a week. I didn't want to touch my book or any of the homework until I decided.

I knew it was coming and the real subject that the teacher wanted me write about the miscarriage. Another girl in the class starts to ask me about it, she's only 18, with her whole life ahead of her. She tells me that she is interested because it probably has happened a lot to students but no one will talk about it. She then proceeds to help me list ideas on what type of angle I could take.

That did it for me. No matter how difficult it was, it was time to let it out.

I come up with another draft, this time something that is deep for me and has forever changed my life. The teacher asks me to read the first few paragraphs and has to stop me at two because I can't go on. Lexi takes over and later tells me how writing can be very therapeutic. I agree with her.

What I don't think what the teacher knows is exactly how hard it was for me to do this. Right now, if the miscarriage hadn't happened, I wouldn't be in school, I would be taking care of my newborn baby.

I still haven't finished the final draft because I have to take it in increments not to fully break down, but this is what I realized.

The story begins like this:

It started with a list. A list about joy and things that make me happy. The list was "100 things of joy" for me to complete during the entire year. Most of it, was centered around our baby that was due in September. We were thrilled with the idea of becoming parents.

There is a feeling of the greatest joy, at least for us, when we found out we were going to be parents. Just the thought of it made my husband Kevin and I, fill with immediate happiness. We felt we were ready for this next step in our lives, that we would have a family. My list included several things such as "buy a crib."

The story will end somewhat like this:

It ends with a list. A list that is growing everyday about joy and all the things that are wonderful in this world. I have learned to cherish everyday and to not waste time. My motto has always been, "Live life to the fullest." By finding joy everyday, I know that I will accomplish this and will be able to overcome everything difficult in this world.

To you my readers, thank you for being apart of my journey. It has been difficult, but I know we can all overcome hard things. I may or may not post my final draft when I'm done, I'm thinking about it. If you would be interested in reading in, maybe you comment on your vote. The teacher is talking about finding a family magazine to publish it, she liked it that much. All I can say is, we'll see.

Thank you for now.