Day Twenty

Remember Dustyn

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Dear Dustyn,

It was about five years ago this time of year, right after my last final. I had made my way over to the institute building when I saw that you were calling. I sat down in one of my favorite spots in that building where it overlooks the entire valley. That day I was exhausted and in need of a pick-me-up. So thank goodness, it was you.

We talked for hours which seemed like minutes to me. I watched the afternoon sun to sunset. Since I was done with school for the semester, I had plenty of time and was soaking it in. I loved that phone call. What I remember most was talking about a dear friend of ours who we were both worried about. You wanted me to make sure to tell her that she was not alone. I promised, I did this for you and I still do this.

Then in your own sweet quiet way, you helped me. You gave me amazing advice on how I needed to stick up for myself and actually do what I wanted to do with my life. We talked about my thoughts on going on a mission and how it would be difficult. Well, it was difficult, with breakdowns, seizures and depression rolled into one, I'm happy to report that I finished it and served wonderfully in the Brazil Porto Alegre South Mission.

We talked about all the issues I had with the guys that I was dating. If only we knew that I would meet the love of my life two months after this conversation. It all worked out and thank you for reminding me to hold out for only the best. I honestly believe that you would love Kevin and be his best friend.

In the middle of the phone call you told me how much you loved me.  I responded and told you how much I love you and that I was grateful to have you as my friend. 

We made plans to get together later that week so I could give you and Matt your Christmas presents. I was thrilled.

You then told me again how much you loved me. I then said the simple words, "Love you Dustyn" and hung up the phone. 

That was the last time would ever speak to you. Some people regret the last words that they say to others but I will never regret it.

The day that we had talked about getting together, we were all there. It was your funeral. Amazing and funny stories were shared. Matt and your friends sang, "Lightly Beams Our Father's Mercy." And not the Eminem song you had requested because it wasn't appropriate in church (it would have scared your mom).

However, the next few days, I listened to an Eminem song on the radio that made me think of you.

"And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn

Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice

Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling

And I didn't feel a thing

So baby don't feel no pain

Just smile back"

I haven't listened to the song in years now. You once told me that Eminem is misunderstood. Sad to say, I still don't understand and find their music to be too violent and harsh for my taste.

After your funeral, I never hung out with your friends again. They grew up and I changed as well. The only thing was that I hung out with your brother for awhile. He wanted to know more about you and I shared stories with him. It made him smile.  

So why am I remembering all of this now? It's because your baby girl finally turned 25 this year. Twenty-five is supposed to be the year that I learned and understood more. Matt and Jason were 25 when all of this happened and they told me that I would understand more about life. I have always thought about this. 

Do I know more? I will say that I have lived my life unlike some of the blonde girls they dated who only gave me pointers about how to do my makeup.

However, I feel that you would be so proud of me. I never lost my stubbornness and sweetness as you used to call it. I stick up for myself a lot more and make my own decisions. I respect my husband but don't stand behind him. I stand next to him. I served a mission just as I wanted to. I'm coming close to graduating and I never thought it possible. We're planning to have a family here soon and I have lost my first baby Gracie. Writing this though makes me a little jealous because you can hold her for me in heaven.

Almost every year since you left this earth (except for when I was in Brazil), I have gone to visit your grave. I leave a white rose somewhere nearby because the entire cemetery is covered in snow. It's the same this year too. It's beautiful and peaceful. I look up from my tears and see the beautiful temple. All good friends will see each other again.

This is the last year my rose will be there. We're moving to Arizona this coming year but I will forever remember your kindness and the time we had together.

Love always, 

Lis