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I had to bite my lip the other day and remember this quote.
I was with some friends and they introduced me to someone that
I hadn't met before. I sucked in my feelings of wanting to be shy and hide in a
corner, especially when it came to her talking about her children and bore through it.
At one point she turned to me and made a snide remark of "well, we had children
early in our marriage and things would be better for you if you did too."
I wanted to burst into tears right then.
We've been married for almost three years, we have 17 nieces and nephews
with two more on the way from both sides. I've also nannied a little girl,
and even lived with three of our nieces . . .I think I know what I'd be getting myself into.
Now that I've moved, people don't know that I've had a miscarriage and I don't tell them.
I could have been just like her if it hadn't happened.
I don't talk about my issues of infertility. It's a secret issue I have.
It's hard not to say anything in a small town, where it seems that's what
all the women do here. They have babies, lots of them. I see them everywhere I turn.
I hear the back stabbing remarks of that I'm too selfish to want to give up
my ideas about having a career in order to be a mother.
When in fact, it's just the opposite.
I would give up anything to be a mother and I'm fighting a long hard battle of infertility.
However, I am the last person on earth to sit and wait and do nothing.
I never thought I'd go to grad school, let alone finish my undergrad.
God just has a different plan for me right now.
It's definitely not the one that I had planned.
After my first day of grad school, I realized this is what I need to be doing right now.
That in some mysterious way, I'm following
that plan that was created for me long before I was born.
It was my confirmation.
In the end, I was really happy that I listened and didn't say anything mean.
I thought that this woman with four kids, must be struggling deep down with
the woes that motherhood can sometimes bring.
But when that challenge comes for me, and it will, I will face it with joy.
For everyone is fighting a hard battle, the one we simply call life.
What a wonderful perspective to hold. I think you are right (about what you are going through...and what she is going through).
ReplyDeleteDanny and I tried to have children for 6+ years. It was hard.
Just as I was completing my bachelor's degree (at age 30) we were told we wouldn't be good candidates for invitro. I got pregnant (without any fertility treatments) the month after my graduation. I don't believe in coincidences. <3
Way to be Christ-like! From my experience with these things I have felt it important for me to share with those who don't understand that I, like LOTS of women, have infertility issues and that for me and others that don't have children it may not be selfish but, instead, unavoidable. I agree, I would have probably been like this to others if I had not miscarried and had other issues to struggle with. But so many women do and don't say anything. Those women will keep getting judged if we don't share our feelings. That is my personal feelings and that's how things have been revealed to me, so I thought I would share that with you :) I think it will only do good if we share our experience with love for those who don't understand. Not being snide or anything similar, but with love and understanding. One of my friends had said something of this nature to me a few months ago. I smiled at her and said, actually I've been trying and I wish I could be more like you but Heavenly Father has other plans for me so I'm doing my best to do his will for me.
ReplyDeleteIt's tricky, these experiences are very personal but if we share our testimony of God's love for us maybe it will help others to see the light and not judge so easily. :)
Nice post Lisa. I think you and Cassie both have very good perspectives. Only the Spirit can dictate what we should do in each circumstance. Love you both and think you are both great women of honor! Cheers to the women of POA SUL!
ReplyDeleteGood for you girl! It really can be hard to keep quiet at a time like that when it would be so much easier to put her in her place! Your story is yours alone and when you're ready to share it, you will. If not don't worry about it. You know it and that's all that matters.
ReplyDeleteBeing on this end motherhood, I say take all the time you need! I love that you aren't sitting around wringing your hands, but that you are moving forward and doing something. All children, whether they are your biological or just lucky enough to have you in their life, need an educated mother!
ReplyDeleteLisa, that is beautifully written. I sometimes have to remind myself, when I feel like complaining about all the struggles I have as a mother of 4, that not every one has this blessing, and that it is something to find joy in. I too am grateful for those moments of confirmation that Heavenly Father sends to let us know, especially during a struggle, that we are where he wants us to be, and doing what he wants us to be doing. Thank you so much for sharing your blog with the Relief Society.
ReplyDelete~Sorry in advance for the longest comment ever...~
ReplyDeleteLisa I love you! I know it is hard to be patient. Sometimes I feel like Joe and I have been waiting for forever to receive the blessing of a baby. I get incredibly impatient. I usually stomp my feet, cry, and say it isn't fair, that we deserve this blessing and then I proceed to throw an adult sized temper tantrum. Joe always asks if we need to go visit my cousins in American Fork so I can get my "baby fix." Holding my cousins and laughing with them always makes me feel better. (I think there might be an opportunity here for you to help a mother who is overwhelmed and feel the unconditional love of a child.)
After our visits I have moments of clarity. I look at my life and the things I have learned in the last 6 years. I look at all of the trials and difficulties we have faced and realize that it hasn't been the right time for us, that it wouldn't have been fair to a baby to live through all of the crazy we have survived. I look at the opportunities Joe and I have had to grow as a couple. We have been able to enjoy precious time together, to fight, and to overcome sickness and obstacles. I have had the opportunity to learn how to be a better wife. I have learned to be more patient and loving. I have had the opportunity to finish my degree, to travel, and to find my love for my husband again. I think I would have learned these lessons and had these opportunities if we had had a baby when we were first married but I think it would have been more difficult.
I know it’s hard to be patient. It’s the hardest thing in this world to put our trust in Heavenly Father and allow him to lead us to where we need to be. Most days I am able to put that trust in Him knowing I will be a better, more patient, loving, and thankful mother because of the wait and because I allowed Heavenly Father to shape me into the mother he needs for the little ones he will send me.
You are an amazing woman! I love you and miss you so much! I wish we had been able to talk more before you left. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Im so sorry Lisa. People can say the meanest, hurtful things and they dont even think twice. You shouldnt have to listen to those hurtful things and Im sorry that you do. Ill keep you in my prayers that you will get your dream of being a mommy. I think youd make a great one! Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteLisa, it's me, your newest follower. I'm really sorry to hear about your fertility troubles. I've had plenty of my own (6 pregnancies and only 2 healthy babies born out of that) and I know how hard it is to deal with comments that people make when they don't know. Hang in there ~ I have faith that one day it will work out and you'll get exactly what you want. Stay strong. XOXO!
ReplyDeleteLisa, I agree that everyone has their battles and that we need to be nice to people around us. But, come on, girl, stand up for yourself. This girl obviously had no right to say something so offensive to you. She obviously lives in a little bubble and has no concept of reality when it comes to bearing children.
ReplyDelete